The one skill set that can instantly bring peace to your home.

The Contentious Wife

At Tabernacles this year, one of the most profitable times wasn’t the most pronounced on the schedule.

Our day consisted of getting up, eating breakfast, those who needed to work (going to work), Mid-morning conversations, a world-class lunch, singing and worship, a message from James or Peter, an amazing dinner, family night activities, campfire conversations, wine, and perhaps an occasional cigar.

But tucked in the space between breakfast and lunch was one activity that proved to be more profitable than expected, reading through Proverbs. Many lessons were gleaned from this time. Some very insightful perspectives emerged.

Looking back on the week, this one little scheduled time brought the whole camp together to ponder and meditate on the Scriptures.

One of the more uncomfortable moments came when the reading reached Proverbs 25:24:

It was one of those scriptures you want to pass over, because you know it’s going to be an uncomfortable discussion.

When we read Proverbs at Tabernacles, it’s our tradition to read the whole chapter and then leave time for comment and discussion. The discussion that day was insightful, and many in the camp shared their questions and perspectives.

And then the inevitable: “What do you think about verse 24?”

It was quickly read aloud once more. Comments came from around the circle, and I could feel the tension growing as people pointed out the responsibility of the wife to be loving and encouraging. And that she had a huge part to play in the peacefulness of the home. As the conversation continued, I could sense the accuser having a hay day in the minds of wives who didn’t consider themselves bringers of peace, but more likely sources of conflict.

As I sat there, it would have been totally appropriate to put all the onus on the wife and her contribution to the ill effects of her attitude and speech within the home. But for some reason, it felt like we were piling on. Was this truly the heart of the matter, or was there something deeper?

So I spoke up.

When we read this verse, it’s very easy to point fingers at who’s to blame in this situation. Of course, it seems obvious, it’s the wife. She’s the one who is contentious and quarrelsome. She’s the one looking to fight. And who would blame a husband for such behavior or attitude? But I think if you look closer, and if you’ve been married any length of time, you might find another culprit.

When a woman nags or becomes very direct in her opinion, she is not operating in her natural communication style.

Women are covert communicators. They communicate through nuance and implication. Women are not direct in their natural habitat. This is why we as men can never seem to understand what they’re saying. They’ll say one thing and mean another, and as a man, you’re just supposed to get it.

We husbands often don’t get it because we are overt communicators. We say what we mean, nothing more, nothing less. This is the source of so much confusion, because when we say something, women are looking for the underlying meaning. They’re reading between the lines.

Woman: “Do you like my dress? Does it look good on me?”
Man: “Yeah, it looks nice.”

In the woman’s head: Nice? What the heck? Just nice? Do I look fat in this? Does he not like the color? Does he even think I look pretty?
In the man’s head: She looks nice in that dress.

YHWH has not made men to read between the lines. That only happens when a man intentionally seeks to understand his woman and takes the time to foster that skill. It’s not natural to us. For men, this kind of communication feels crazy, it complicates things, takes more time, and to us, it seems unnecessary.

For women, this is natural. They talk in shades and subtleties. They internalize conversations and test them against actions and body language.

This is important to understand because when a woman becomes direct with her communication, when she starts speaking overtly, it’s because she’s already frustrated.

She’s been communicating her wants and desires covertly, but since her husband hasn’t picked up on them, she continues until she feels unheard. Eventually, her frustration boils over into direct communication.

So to be clear: if a woman is communicating overtly with you, she is already frustrated. And to add fuel to the fire, she believes she’s been communicating her wants and needs for quite some time.

You can see how communication over even the simplest things can turn into arguments very quickly.

So what’s the solution?

You, being the husband and leader of your family, the shepherd of your flock, need to know the condition of that flock, which includes understanding your wife. This is done by transitioning her covert communication into overt communication on your terms and timelines.

When I read:

My first thought is: how did she become contentious in the first place?

And my answer is: she probably became contentious, nagging, or bossy because her husband was unable to provide the space for her to be heard.

Want to know the one thing your wife wants?

She wants to be heard. She doesn’t necessarily want you to agree with her, she just wants to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you heard her. That you understood what she was saying, why she said it, and that she’s not crazy for thinking it.

If we don’t give space to hear our wives, it’s a foregone conclusion that she will become contentious and quarrelsome.