Letter No. 2

The First Thing YHWH (God), challenged me with…. and it’s not what you would think.

I know the title of this newsletter begs 2 questions. What is the Kool-Aid? and what is the antidote?

Going to bible college and then working as a paid minister for over a decade, I didn't know what I didn't know. Just like the gold fish doesn't know he is in water. But when I came to the crossroads in my marriage and my faith, I was forced to face the reality…. that I was in the truest sense of the word, ignorant.

The door of an alternate reality of who God is and what He wants from me, cracked open during this time. I remember searching desperately for truth, something that would get me back on track, make me right with God, and comfort the feeling of emptiness, that going to church every Sunday, Sunday night and Wednesday night couldn't fill.

I had Jesus, I was saved. I loved Jesus and wanted to do His will. So why was I feeling so lost? It was reminiscent of the Rich Young Ruler, who comes to Messiah and asks, “How can I have eternal life?”. The rich young ruler had come, thinking he knew and accomplished the the right checklist. But instead of the light bulb going on in his heart and mind, he left sad.

I felt like this guy. I had the checklist, I had done all the right things, but still felt like I was on the wrong path or at least not making any headway.

By chance ( and I don't believe in chance), so by divine orchestration, I picked up a red hardbound book and started flipping the pages. Inside I found stories of righteous men that had real influence over their lives and their community.

I read how their families became, doctors and lawyers and men that shaped their world for good. I was inspired. I wanted to have control and influence over my life. So what was missing? I kept flipping and reading the pages. Then I came to a section that was odd to me.

This is what it said….

It proposed and encouraged that as men, we should not initiate sex or take pleasure in our wife while she is on her period, her monthly cycle.

In fact the book stated that we should take a 7 day break from sex with our wife when she starts her period.

Now this resonated with me, not because I was doing this already, but because sex and intimacy where a sore subject with me and my wife. And especially when she was on her period I would get irritated that she wasn't in a great mood or desired sex.

Looking back now, I was feeling sorry for myself, and blaming her during her period week for our lack of marriage fulfillment. So yeah this got my attention.

I pondered on it. I wondered if I had been out of line. I wondered if I instituted this, what would be the outcome, what result would come from it. I prayed and asked, “Father, is this something that I need to try out?” Then I waited.

I let it simmer…

I sat on my knew knowledge for a few days. I knew that my wife would start her period in about a week, so I had to have a conversation with her to let her know what I was thinking.

Sex and intimacy had become such a volatile subject that any divergence from the regular would cause a fight. I already knew what would happen if I didn’t make sex such a big deal or refused her for a week. “what's the matter? Are you mad?” I didn't want this to blow up, so one night during dinner, I told her what I had read and what I was considering.

To be continued…

Mental Frameworks

One of roles of being a Husband is making decisions. Many husband’s try to abdicate this responsibility and say “I’m not sure. You decide.”, talking to their wife.

This takes your wife out of her supportive role, her helpmeet role, and puts her on the front lines.

The risk of making decisions, is that when a person is faced to make a decision they are also responsible for the outcomes, good or bad.

That’s why this decision making responsibility is yours, and not your wife’s.

If you continue to do this, your wife will become angry and bitter, because you are forcing her to carry the mental and emotion load of outcomes that are your burden. She will look at you as weak and lazy.

Call to Action:

First. Write down on a list, all the decisions you have been avoiding.

Second. Go to your wife, and use these words or something close,

“Babe, I want to apologize to you for making you carry the load of making the decision on….., I realize now, how much stress I put on you. I will make the decision on ….. and I am totally responsible and own the outcome that this decision will create. I love you. Thank you for being patient as I figure this out.”

Third. Make the decision and own the outcome and consequences that it will produce. You were made for this.

LETTER NO. 2 - CONTINUED

“Babe, I read something and want to run it past you”….

“Babe, I read something and want to run it past you”, I started.

I told her that after simmering on this, I realized that I had been really needy (neediness is not attractive at all to women). And instead of acting that way, I wanted us to try something.

When she starts her period, we will abstain from sex for 7 days. We can cuddle, but no sex. No me pleasuring her, or her me. She will be free of the obligation, free of the guilt that comes with not wanting to connect in that way.

I told her, even if she gets in the mood, and wants to be intimate, under no circumstances can we fall into that behavior (jokingly saying this of course, being ridiculous but truly setting a boundary for us not to cross.)

Instead, this week would be for us to connect in other ways with no convert contracts that hinted of connecting emotionally, would also lead to sex. It would be a week for me to serve her. To make her comfortable and to do things she needed.

So how did it go?

The day she started her period, she told me and we counted off 7 days. She would probably stop bleeding in 4, but 7 days was what we were committed to.

The week was awesome. We connected in ways we wouldn't have otherwise. There was no pity for myself because she wasn't in the mood. Instead, I was free also. I wasn't try to make sex happen. I wasn't in my head, playing mind games, of how to get my needs fulfilled. I was truly able to slow down and serve my wife.

And for her. It built trust. She didn't have to second guess or think I had other motives when I went to massage her or wrap her up in my arms. She could let her guard down when I came up behind her and kissed her neck.

She stopped pulling away when I grabbed her butt and pulled her close. She didn't have to wonder, “Do I have time for this right now?, or Will he want more?”

It’s hard to believe…..

I know it’s hard to believe, but this simple non-action, this elementary thought, produced amazing results.

Was this red book magic? Did it have secret knowledge?

In some ways I guess it did, but not because the author was tapping into something evil. The author was just quoting God, Himself.

Leviticus: 18 verses 1-5 says:

18The YHWH said to Moses, 2 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘I am the YHWH your God. 3 You must not do as they do in Egypt, where you used to live, and you must not do as they do in the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you. Do not follow their practices. 4 You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the YHWH your God. 5 Keep my decrees and laws, for the person who obeys them will live by them. I am the YHWH.

And the clincher in verse 19:

19 “‘Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period.

This first experience of obeying the words of YHWH got me hooked. What relationship authors and sex gurus couldn't solve, the Creator fixed in one week. He didn't force Himself, but He did deliver. The crazy thing is that, it had been written there all along. And I had read it before.

So What’s the Kool-Aid?

The Kool-Aid is... when I had come across these words years before, I was taught at bible college and through the Church, that those words were not for me, but for some other people called Israel.

I thought YHWH (God), had changed His mind, and that what He had said before… was for a time long ago and irrelevant for my life. I was wrong. And I was ready to learn more.

The Church and bible college taught me to discount YHWH's Words and to explain them away. The problem is not with them, it is with me, because I believed them. I was complicit.

The antidote is to turn this thinking on its head. God knows what is good for us. He knows the path to life. The antidote is to listen to His words and consider. To pray. To see really what He is saying and ask “Father, is this for me?”

UPCOMING

Next Week…

▶ “I don’t know if I can follow Messiah.”

▶ Something to consider: Matthew 5: 43-44